On The Edge of the Abyss

On The Edge of the Abyss

I stood there on the edge of the abyss. It was Summer 2017, and I’d finally realised that the world is ridiculous, that nothing means anything, and there is no purpose to life.

And at that point I made a choice.

I had two friends, who over the years had come to realise the same thing… the material world is insane. Nothing makes sense. People do stupid things, and corporations and institutions do even more stupid things.

I believe they also stood on the edge, but they allowed themselves to slip. They fell into negativity and pain. And neither of them is with us today.

At that moment, as I stood on the edge… I say ‘moment’… it lasted over a week…

At that moment, as I stood on the edge, I made a choice.

If life doesn’t mean anything, then I can give it any meaning I choose. If there is no point to existence, then the point is existence.

We are alive in order to experience life.

And so I walked back away from the edge and began building my life as I see fit. It hasn’t been easy. It has taken time. I don’t even know if I want what I’m building. But I’m building, day by day.

And feeling. Feeling stronger than I’ve ever felt before.

And dreaming. Not in the ‘what I’d like to do’ sense, but in the literal ‘weird stuff happening while I’m asleep’ sense.

I can feel the processing going on as my entire being shifts from its egoic, separated “I am a body and a mind” to a new form, “I am… whatever… I have tools such as a body and mind at my disposal.”

It doesn’t make the material world make any more sense. But it gives a background of certainty and acceptance and love that it’s built on. Sometimes that background is obscured by the day-to-day frustrations and confusion. But it’s always there.

And I realise that my only job, every day, is to keep my light burning. To keep in touch with that truth. And to be able to stare into that abyss fearlessly without succumbing to its invitation.

2 Replies to “On The Edge of the Abyss”

  1. If life doesn’t mean anything, then I can give it any meaning I choose. If there is no point to existence, then the point is existence.

    When I was 18 I tried to suicide. I cut both forearms from the elbows to the wrists and lay down to die in a park down the road from my home. An old man walking his dog very early found me and they resuscitated me.

    For a few months after that I would go and sit on edge of building roofs contemplating. It was a bit young to be having an existential crises but I was:- I was a very small piece of a very large Universe and it seemed very pointless to me.

    One day I decided that if I could choose to kill myself, then I could also choose not to kill myself.

    Be safe.

    1. I’m glad you chose not to, Brett. There’s too much here for us to leave it behind prematurely.

      I was in a similar situation (though not having any courage to act) around the age of 20.

      Let’s continue to live through all it brings, revel in the joy of not having a clue, and bring out light and experience to anyone who needs it.



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